Jailbird

so, in lack of better options i joined a site. but i've realized i'm not like i used to be back in the days - just out there, and didnt really have any sense of consequences. i just went for it.

i just can't do it. i look around at my friends and they're all in relationships and having babies and i am just so far from it and i'm really ambivalent about what i want. how do you know that you're ready for a serious relationship and where the fuck are you if so? i don't know where to look for you and i don't have the energy for it either. 

i go to work, hang out with my friends, go out clubbin but i don't think that's where you're at.

maybe i need to cut off all my exes and flings. cos they're all still there. or a lot of them. 

time to realize it's a reason it didn't really happen and why they don't have a bigger place in my life. 

but it's really tough tho, they're like a safety line or something. but maybe you're not supposed to have any?

 

i'm tired. all the time. and sort of in a bubble. like i'm outside of myself at the moment and i can't really live in the presence. when people talk to me it's like i can't react naturally. i fake it cos i know how i am supposed to react. i want to feel alive. but i'm just waiting for a doctor to tell i have a huge tumour in my brain or something cos i just want it to be like this for a real reason. or am i depressed or something? i don't really have anything to be depressed about..

 

anyways . back to the site - i get emails from loads of guys but nobody does it for me. its just a load of shit. i need someone to really get me. but they're all like plain and boring. "what's your day been like" "what's up" like what? you really think you're so hot you don't have to come up with anything better than that? seriously. 

 

nah, i don't think that's for me. buut, like everything else i can't end it for some reason. i'll just have to consider it for another year or so... ;)